Games People Play

Introduction

Here’s the second book from 2012. Same circumstance as the last one. This also completes 2012 as far as I know.

Social Intercourse

• Stimulus hunger / emotional deprivation

  • Most favored form: physical intimacy

  • On a biological chain, same relationship to survival as food-hunger

• Sensory Deprivation

  • E.g. solitary imprisonment

• Both can bring / encourage biological changes

• Similarly to hunger for food

• Transformation from infant’s stimulus hunger into recognition-hunger

  • Varies between people; film star: many „strokes“ per week; scientist one „stroke“ from a master per year

• “stroke“ unit of social action

  • can be a stroke, pinch, or even non-physical => some acts of recognition

• Any social intercourse is better than none

Structuring of Time

• After recognition-hunger comes structure-hunger

• „What do you say to him/her then…?“

• Programming the time

  • Material

    • Mainly measurement and probability estimates

    • Social factor is subordinated

  • Social

    • Traditional (semi)-ritualistic interchanges

  • Individual

    • When you know people better

    • People often play “games”

      • Regulated environment

      • Substitute for real intimacy

  • Examples

    • Pre-defined activities by work

• Structuring time is important because boredom can lead to emotional starvation

  • Solitary person can structure time in

    • Activity

    • Fantasy

  • Member of social aggregation

    • Rituals

    • Pastimes

    • Games

    • Intimacy

    • Activity

  • Gains of social contact

    • Relief of tension

    • Avoidance of noxious situations

    • Procurement of stroking

    • Maintenance of an established equilibrium

ANALYSIS OF GAMES

Structural Analysis

• Ego states

  • Different states with feelings and body posture

  • Coherent feeling & behavior patterns

  • Grouped in

    • Resembles parental figures [exterophysic / Parent]

    • Autonomously directed towards objective appraisal of reality [neopsychic / Adult]

    • Represents archaic relics which were fixated in early childhood [archaeopsychic / Child]

  • Means that you act like your parent, objectively or like a child would

  • Implications

    • Everyone carries his parents around inside of him

    • Everyone has an Adult

    • Everyone carries a little child around inside of him

  • Structural Diagram of ego states

    • Parent

    • Adult

    • Child

  • Remarks

    • Child can be charming, pleasuring and creative

    • Adult can be

      • Direct: Do as I do

      • Indirect: Don’t do as I do, do as I say – requirements

    • Child can be

      • Adapted: behaves like its parent would what him to

      • Natural: spontaneous expression

    • Adult is essential for survival

      • Calculates probabilities

      • Processes data

      • Regulate activities

      • Mediate between child and adult

    • Parent helps

      • Act as parent of actual children

      • Makes many responses automatic

Transactional Analysis

• Unit of social intercourse = transaction

• Start of transaction: transactional stimulus [ego state one]

• Response: transactional response [ego state two]

• Ego states by difficulty (easiest first)

  • Adult — Adult [Complementary Transaction Type I]

  • Child — Parent [Complementary Transaction Type II]

• Communication breaks if a crossed transaction occurs

  • Most problematic: Crossed Transaction Type I

    • Stimulus: Adult — Adult

    • Response: Child — Parent

    • => Crossed transaction

  • Crossed Transaction Type II

    • Stimulus: Adult — Adult

    • Response: Parent — Child

• Ulterior, simple: Angular transactions

  • Focuses on two ego states, e.g. Adult and Child

    • Stimulus: “This one is better” (A) “… but you can’t afford it” (A2)

    • Response: as (A) “That’s the one I’ll take” (C)

• Ulterior, duplex: ulterior transaction

  • Four ego states, e.g. flirtation

    • Adult — Adult, about the topic

    • Child — Child, about a sex play

Procedures and Rituals

• Procedure = series of simple complementary Adult transactions manipulating reality

• Reality can be

  • Static: all possible arrangements of matter, e.g. arithmetic

  • Dynamic: possibilities of interactions of all energy systems, e.g. chemistry

• Effectiveness = actual results

• Efficiency = psychological criterion, can be contaminated by Parent or Child

• Ritual = stereotyped series of simple complementary transactions programmed by external social forces

  • Often used by people to achieve some amount of strokes

  • You can see strokes as some kind of currency; if people don’t get their strokes they will have hunger

• Procedures and rituals are somewhat predictable

• Rituals can be evaded by using procedures as a substitute

Pastimes

• Simple pastime = series of semi-ritualistic, simple, complementary transactions arranged around a single field of material, whose primary object is to structure an interval of time

  • Beginning and end are often signaled by procedures or rituals

  • Maximum gain for each party

  • Higher adaption will mean higher gain

• E.g. chit-chat, cocktail parties, discussions about topics that interests a group

• Games can be played on different levels, e.g. ‘PTA’

  • A — A: talks about school reforms

  • P — P: how the kids are lazy

• Different topics and ego states don’t mix well

• Help stabilizing positions of persons (existential advantage)

• Positions become fixed early (first to seventh year)

  • Positions of adults tell a lot about their childhood

  • If there’s no intervention, people try to defend their positions or try to avoid contradictions

Operation

• (Set of) simple transactions for a stated purpose

Games

• game = ongoing series of complementary ulterior transactions progressing to a well-defined, predictable outcome

• Series of moves with a snare or ‘gimmick’

• Difference to procedures, rituals, and pastimes

  • Ulterior quality

  • Payoff

• Every game is

  • basically dishonest

  • outcome has a dramatic quality

• Dynamic instead of static like attitudes

• The stimulus player will lapse into the state ‘despair’ if the response player will refuse to play the game

A THESAURUS OF GAMES

Life Games

Alcoholic

• Process:

  • Player drinks and gets a hang over frequently

  • Partner [Persecutor] often want to stop this habit

  • Third player [Rescuer] is concerned with player and wants to help

  • Player stops for some time and then starts again

  • Fourth player will protect player from his partner who don’t understand him [Patsy / Dummy]

  • Agitator: provides supplies without even being asked for them

• The real pleasure doesn’t come from drinking

  • Pleasure from talking about suffering

• Pastimes:

  • ‘Martini’: how many drinks and how they were mixed (social drinker)

  • ‘Morning After’: Let me tell you about my hangover (alcoholics)

• Related:

  • ‘Dry Alcoholic’: Goes to the process of financial or social degradation without a bottle

  • ‘Addict’: more sinister, more dramatic, more sensational and faster

• Rescuer sometimes encourage the player to drink, so that the game continues

• Games from others:

  • Rescuer: ‘I’m only trying to help you’

  • Persecutor: ‘Look What you’ve done to me’

  • Patsy: ‘Good Joe’ — how can I help people?

  • Players shift to play ‘Wooden Leg’ because rescue organizations promote that alcoholism is a disease which allows the game to continue

• Player has to stop the game

  • Often players are going to play an other game because they are afraid of intimacy

• Antithesis:

  • Being the adult in the relationship

    • Often problematic because the public wants people to play the game

    • One clinic cured people by stopping the game which was done by not entering — this was responded by indignation and the treatment stopped

Debtor

• Process:

  • Player takes on debt — gives him a ‘purpose’

  • Further moves, see TAC and TAG-AWI

• Related:

  • ‘If it weren’t for the debts’ — mild form

  • ‘Try and Collect’ (TAC):

    • buy lot of stuff on credit

    • try to escape creditor

    • creditor is determined to collect the money

      • Player gets angry and play ‘Now I’ve got you, you son of a bitch’ — demonstrates that the creditor is greedy and ruthless

  • ‘Try and Get Away With It’ (TAG-AWI)

    • players are small landlords

    • regardless of outcome, player can play ‘Why does this always happen to me?’

• Antithesis:

  • TAC: Request immediate payment in cash

  • TAGAWI: Promptness and honesty

Kick Me

• Player tries to attract misfortune

• ‘Why does this always happen to me?’ (WAHM)

  • inverse pride: ‘My misfortunes are better than yours’

• Positive form: ‘What did I really do to deserve this?

Now I’ve got you, you son of a bitch

• Player tries to find an error in an agreed on contract and then exploits this fact to be furious

• Related:

  • ‘Ain’t it awful’ (AIA)

  • seeks injustice in order to complain about them to a third party [Confidant]

  • Confidant also often plays AIA

• Antithesis:

  • Correct behavior

  • Contractual structure should be explicitly stated in detail at the first opportunity and strictly adhered to

  • Yield gracefully without dispute if errors happen

See what you made me do (SWYMD)

• First-Degree:

  • White is in an activity that tends to insulate him against other persons

  • Other person interrupts him and leads him to make an error

• Second-Degree:

  • White takes SWYMD as a basis for life

  • Let other people take a decision

    • If it is good, he enjoys it

    • Otherwise, he plays ‘You got me into this’ (UGMIT) (variation of SWYMD)

    • He can also play: ‘I told you so’ or ‘See what you’ve done now’

• Third-Degree:

  • Paranoid people play this against people who want to give them advice

  • SWYMD-UGMIT classical combination for cover game contract in many marriages

• Antithesis:

  • First-Degree: leave player alone

  • Second-Degree: Give decision back to white

  • Third-Degree: Therapy

Martial Games

Corner

• Couple begins process which leads to intimacy

• One player mentions something the other one don’t want to hear so that she can escape intimacy

• Antithesis:

  • Response player doesn’t try to offend other player

  • Initial player just ignores remarks

• Related:

• • ‘Dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t’ — Player says to other one, that he doesn’t do X, but if he does X player will criticize him

  • ‘Lunch Bag’ — husband takes leftovers and makes himself lunch for work

    • Wife must be some kind of self-less

    • Husband has the privilege of eating lunch by himself

    • Possibility of catching up work

Courtroom

• Players:

  • Plaintiff – husband

  • Defendant – wife

  • Judge – therapist

• Antithesis:

  • Therapist says to husband: ‘you’re absolutely right’ – asks how the husband feels about this, then corrects his statement and says that he feels that the husband is actually wrong

    • If the husband is honest: game doesn’t progress

    • If he is not honest, he will show some kind of reaction and the game can progress

  • Alternatively: Husband and wife are not allowed to talk to a third-party; they can only talk about you (partner) or themselves => game stops

Frigid Woman

• Husband advances his wife but is repulsed

• Repeat this until his wife says that all men are beasts, he doesn’t really love her or is only interest in sex

• Some time after that he stops trying

• The wife becomes forgetful and may walk half-dressed in the bedroom or flirts with other men at parties if she’s heavily drunk

• Husband tries to approach her again but is repulsed

• Wife starts ‘Uproar’ — which takes the place of sex

• Husband stops completely

• Wife again starts provoking him until she approaches and kisses him

• Husband starts to engage with her until the wife stops and says “All men are beasts, all I wanted was affection, but all you are interested is in sex”

• Related:

  • ‘Rapo’

• Antithesis:

  • All highly dangerous

  • Taking a mistress

  • Husband takes psychotherapy

  • Best: Both go into therapy together

Harried

• Housewife which is at home, often with kids, cleaning, etc

• Starts with ITWFY and ‘Blemish’

• Then ‘Harried’ starts

  • She will do everything

  • Act on demands

  • Volunteer every time

  • Then she will crash and don’t do anything

  • After that happens some times, she will get untidy & develops symptoms

• Antithesis:

  • She must stop being every role simultaneously

Look how hard I tried

• Process:

  • White goes in therapy with his spouse but resists it

  • At home, he finally gives in and tries to cooperate

  • After some therapy sessions he refuses to come any longer

  • Now his wife is forced to take the next step (e.g. divorce)

  • The husband is now blameless

• Antithesis:

  • White is declared as not ready for a therapy

• Related:

  • ‘I am helpless’ / ‘I’m blameless’: Child let parent take the responsibility

  • ‘Look hard I was trying’

    • Ex. Husband has gastric ulcer

    • First degree: tells everybody but still continues working — gets everybody’s admiration

    • Second degree: Don’t tell anyone, works till he collapses — wife now is plagued with guilt and in a corner position

    • Third degree: The cancer progresses until the husband kills himself saying that he was trying

Sweetheart

• Spouse makes derogatory remark and ends with: ‘Isn’t that right, sweetheart?’

  • Partner often agrees because

    • Correcting small details would be seen as pedantic

    • People don’t want to disagree with someone calling one ‘sweetheart’

    • Partner helps them to tell about misfortunes

• Antithesis:

  • Be offensive and direct

  • Say ‘Yes, honey”

Party Games

Ain’t it awful

• ‘Nowadays’

  • self-righteous, punitive Parental pastime

  • ‘You can’t trust anybody, nowadays’

• ‘Broken Skin’

  • Slogan: ‘What a pity’

  • Talks about health issues

  • Positive outlook is seen as betrayal

• ‘Water Cooler’ or ‘Coffee Break’

  • Three-handed game

  • Character ‘They’

  • ‘Look what they’re doing to us now’

Blemish

• Starts out with a depressive Child position ‘I am no good’

• Which is then transformed into a Parental position ‘They are no good’

• Player only feels comfortable with a new person if they find their blemish

• This can develop into authoritarian personalities

Schlemiel

• Schlemiel means cunning

• The victim is often a ‘good-natured fellow’

• Moves:

  • White makes some mistakes that involve black

  • Black may respond with rage but know that then white will win the game

  • White says that he’s sorry

  • Black forgives white

  • White continues to destroy black’s property

• Antithesis:

  • Don’t offer the demanded absolution

    • ‘Tonight you can embarrass my wife, ruin the furniture and wreck the rug, but please don’t say “I’m sorry”’

Why don’t you – Yes but (YDYB)

• Moves:

  • White complains about a problem

  • Other players offer solutions “Why don’t you try X’

  • White responds with ‘Yes, but Z” where Z is an other problem

• The game helps to reassure and gratify the Child

• Payoff:

  • Game usually ends in silence

  • Meaning that nobody has a solution

• Antithesis:

  • Responders play ‘I’m only trying to help you’ (ITHY)

  • Don’t play ITHY — ‘That is a difficult problem. What are you going to do about it?’

  • ‘X didn’t work’ — ‘That’s too bad’

Sexual Games

Let’s you and him fight (LYAHF)

• Manouevre: Woman will let two men fight for her and fulfills her promise

• Ritual: She already made her decision and if this men loses she must live with the wrong man

• Game: While the two men are fighting, she meets up with a third man

Rapo

• First-Degree: Woman flirts with men, as soon he has committed the game is over

• Second-Degree: White’s primary gratification comes from rejecting him

• Third-Degree: White leads black into a compromising physical contact and then claims that he has raped or done other harm to her

  • Society can force white to Third-Degree because the sexual contact isn’t accepted

• Antithesis:

  • The man has to distinguish game from real moves

Stocking Game

• Moves:

  • Woman (White) comes into a strange group and exposes herself in a provocative way

  • Men get aroused and other women are angry

  • White plays innocent

• White tries to prove her cynical world view

• Antithesis:

  • Other women should handle the game

Uproar

• Often played by teenage daughters and fathers

• Moves:

  • White finds a fault in black or the other way around

  • The outcome can end in

    • White retires into his bedroom and slams the door

    • Black retires into her bedroom and slams the door

    • Or both retire and slam the doors

• Slamming of the doors highlights the fact that they have different bedrooms

  • Avoidance of sexual intimacy

• Antithesis:

  • Often daughters try to leave the house early, e.g. premature marriage

  • Father finds an outside sexual interest

Good Games

Busman’s Holiday

• Rather a pastime than a game

• Player works his profession in an other country in his holidays

Cavalier

• Men compliments a woman whenever possible but within appropriate limits

• They don’t want to offer themselves but their work (e.g. poetry)

Happy to Help

• Player helps or spends money with some ulterior motive

BEYOND GAMES

The significance of games

• Games are passed on from generation to generation unless there is a successful intervention

• People who play the same games have often offspring

• ‘Raising’ children is often teaching them games

• Society teaches that intimacy is not welcomed but in privacy which leads to playing games

• People have friends who play the same games as them

The players

• The more disturbed people are, the harder they play

• Two classes play the games with the greatest conviction:

  • Sulks

    • Man who is angry at his mother

    • He doesn’t like women

    • Similarly with female sulks

  • Jerks / Squares

    • People who are overly sensitive to Parental influences

Autonomy

• Release of three capacities

• Awareness

  • ‘Where is the mind when the body is here?’

    • Thinking about some event

    • Immerse in the activity

    • Is aware to the environment

• Spontaneity

  • Option, the freedom to choose

  • Liberation from the compulsion to play games

• Intimacy

  • Spontaneous, game-free candidness of an aware person

  • Uncorrupted Child living in the here and now